Things I wish I knew...
Hello Awesome Human,
It was Easter 2010 when we first realised that our daughter was restricting her food intake. I would have told you up to that point that life had never felt better. The kids seemed happy, and my business was booming. Reflecting on it now, I suspect some of our daughter’s happiness stemmed from the confidence she gained from the positive feedback loop our culture provides in weight loss.
Her refusal to eat more than a centimetre square of chocolate, so counter to the sweet-toothed girl I had always known and loved, opened my eyes to all I had been missing. Her reduced food intake, her increased exercise and her weight loss, all of which I had been oblivious to. If I had noticed changes, I had assumed they were part of her natural development. The only sneaking suspicion I had was that she hadn’t taken a yoghurt to school for a long time, which a GP friend of mine dismissed as not a problem and reassured me enough not to think about it again.
I often describe that moment when I realised we had a problem as though the ground had opened up and we had fallen into a dark hole. My noticing and asking questions seemed to make everything worse. With our focus on her behaviours, they seemed to escalate.
Sixteen years later, she is well, happy and thriving, and my work revolves around supporting parents to navigate similar situations and helping to educate as many people as possible in creating environments that no longer precipitate eating disorders. When my world was falling apart, there were so many things I wanted to know. My Easter gift to you is a list of things I wish I had known:
Recovery is always possible because our brains are Neuroplastic.
We are not to blame. We haven’t done anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with you as a parent.
Our child’s behaviour is not a deliberate act of defiance; it is serving a need for them.
Regular meal times are essential (whatever the eating disorder).
It is important to be firm but fair without colluding with the eating disorder. I wrote more about this in “ Reassurance isn’t harmless.”
Parents are a key part of the recovery team, and the more you know and understand, the better.
Trust yourself - you are an expert on your child.
Keep yourself well and supported in ways that work for you.
Step back and think regularly. It is ok to slow down.
Focus on the strengths everyone in your family has. There are some ideas on how to do that here.
Notice the good stuff. This isn’t about pretending life is great when it feels rubbish, but recognition that even in this place, good things are present.
Communication really matters. In this piece, I wrote about starting where your young person is. You don’t need to change who you are, but learning to communicate effectively makes a huge difference.
No one is coming to rescue you, but you are not alone.
The sooner you take action, the sooner the recovery journey can start. It may feel like you have made things worse, as it did for me, but you have actually done the most helpful thing.
“Only they can do it, but they can’t do it alone.” Janet Treasure
Please remember you are not alone in this. If you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure, book a chat with me using the link below.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is an online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. We meet weekly and have a WhatsApp group where we can share wins and dilemmas in real time.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: