We create with our words
Hello Awesome Human,
A couple of years ago, I trained to be a Body Project(BP) facilitator. The training involved delivering materials we had literally just been given. As a result, our performance was less than perfect. The teacher in me was internally very critical of some of the things we had all done.
Our trainer facilitator, on the other hand, spent ages telling us all the things we had done brilliantly. Not one mention of corrections she might have made. By the end of the two-day training, I was blown away by how good we all were. That trainer beautifully illustrated how we get what we focus on.
A parent recently expressed disappointment about how her daughter was being treated in the hospital. We were discussing how she could handle it. It would have been easy to list the things that weren’t working, but that wouldn’t necessarily have helped things change. She decided to share a list of things that would be really helpful to her daughter.
Recently, while caring for my mother-in-law, I spent a couple of weeks feeling completely on my knees. I chanted in my head I can’t do this any longer. One day, I realised I could actually refuse to do the caring I was doing, that she could actually go into a home. In that moment, I changed my mindset from “I can’t do this” to “I can do this.” That shift in perspective didn’t distinguish my load, but it certainly lightened it.
Focus on what you do want
The above three examples illustrate the benefits of focusing on what we want.
Our brains are great at giving us what we want. Just like the algorithms on the internet, if you search for something, your brain brings you more of that. When you are pregnant, you will notice other pregnant people. Maybe you think the car you are buying is fairly unique, but as soon as you drive it off the forecourt, you will see lots of them. This has been a useful evolutionary tool, but tell your brain you are miserable, and it will find every way it can to prove you right.
Brains also don’t distinguish well between negatives and positives. If we say ‘don’t shout’, they hear ‘shout’.
With these things in mind, it is helpful to carefully consider what messaging we want our brains to process.
Neuroplasticity
2010, when our daughter was very ill with an eating disorder, was the first time I came across the idea of neuroplasticity. Up until then, I had assumed the brain grew and stayed roughly the same. Neuroscience has learnt that the brain is neuroplastic, meaning it is constantly changing and learning. When we think of something, neurons fire in a certain way. If we think something frequently, the neural pathway of that thought becomes stronger and easier to access. This is what we mean when we say thinking patterns become more ingrained.
It is harder for someone who has had an eating disorder for a long time to change their thinking patterns than for someone who has been thinking this way for a shorter time. That said, neuroplasticity tells us there is always scope for change.
Practice saying the things you want
● Notice the things you want and appreciate in others (as our BP trainer did). Share what you see ‘I appreciated how kind you were to grandma yesterday.’
● Tell people what would work for you rather than what doesn’t work.
● Tell yourself the things that are helpful to hear. Perhaps use affirmations.
Our words are powerful. They tell our brains what we want, and our brains find the evidence. Another way of saying this is that our words create our experience, so what kind of experience do you want?
Repeat what you need to hear regularly
‘I’ve got this.’
‘I have the strength to keep going.’
‘I know I am loved and I am alright.’
Effective affirmations:
Are in the present tense ’I am…’, ‘I have…’, ‘I know…’
State a clear positive outcome.
Aligned to our values, the things that matter to us.
Our words matter, so choose yours carefully. Both our daughter and I used affirmations as part of her recovery journey. Research shows many positive outcomes from their use. If you are struggling, it is worth paying attention to what you say and think regularly. If you need a hand with anything I write about, book a call using the link below.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. Please message me to be added to the wait list.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: