Starting where they are...
What is the smallest possible step?
Hello Awesome Human,
I remember when our daughter was very ill, I so desperately wanted her to be better. I would have given anything to help speed her recovery. The overwhelm and the frustration ran high for me. I was desperate for things to be different.
When we stand looking at all the things they are doing that seem unhelpful, it is hard to communicate in a way they can hear. From our vantage point, telling someone that what they are doing is wrong is unlikely to help them change. We need to understand where they are and view things from their perspective.
Understanding someone’s point of view requires patience and, above all, listening. As a parent, it is tempting to think we need to tell our children what to do, particularly when they appear to be behaving destructively. However, to understand them, we need to listen, give them space to explain, and ask questions that help us understand their experience.
The New Maudsley programme for carers uses this decisional balance model to remind us to consider all aspects of what is going on. For our young person, there are some benefits to staying as they are. If we know this, we are better able to support change.
Decisional balance
Cons of changing Pros of changing
Cons of not changing Pros of not changing
Start where they are
If we have taken some time to listen and understand, we can start where they are. Finding something small that isn’t working for them in the current situation may be a good place to start exploring what one small step towards changing it might be.
Perhaps after an evening of distress, your child has come to you and said they want to do something different tomorrow. You might help them make a plan for the day ahead. It can be helpful to ask what they want you to do if they change their mind tomorrow.
There is nothing more disheartening as a parent to have had a conversation in which our child is clearly describing a desire for some recovery and then see the following day that they feel they can’t follow through on their plan. If you have discussed what they want to do in this circumstance, you can gently remind them of what they said they wanted. You can show strength towards helping them achieve what they said they wanted. It is more helpful to support them in sticking to what they have said they want than to what you want. Even if they don’t manage the change, you will have sewn a seed that will, over time, grow.
Recovery requires creating an environment that supports them in achieving what they want for the future, not what we want for them. When I say this, I don’t mean buying into their eating disorder(ED) thoughts, but the future they wanted before ED or the future they talk about after.
Tiny steps
Never underestimate the power of tiny steps. Taking the smallest possible step in the right direction for them will, with time, make a big difference.
Their perspective
Seeing things from their point of view doesn’t mean agreeing with them or colluding with them. It means listening to them and acknowledging that their experience is real. It is also a step toward connecting with them and reimagining the future together.
Some of this stuff is subtle and varies from family to family. If you want a hand in creating supportive conditions for recovery in your family, book a findout call using the link below and let’s chat in the new year.
Send you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. I have two places available in January.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: