Thinking out loud
Hello Awesome Human,
So many of the parents I work with talk about ‘treading on eggshells’. A phenomenon that certainly resonates with our experience of our daughter’s eating disorder. It is, without a doubt, an emotional ride. These emotions may be expressed in different ways, from shouting, door slamming, physical violence, to total withdrawal. However things are expressed, they are a clear signal that our loved one is dealing with high emotions.
Our reaction makes a difference to the recovery journey. There will be times when our emotions dictate our coping strategy. It is challenging not to react immediately to an outburst or to let our own frustration take over a situation. One of the things I support parents to work towards is responding rather than reacting.
Last week, I encouraged you not only to notice what is going on but also to notice what you are feeling and what you are making it mean.
Thinking out loud
Sometimes it can be helpful to think out loud
“I am feeling really angry right now because what I thought was going to happen hasn’t. I notice that I can’t think clearly when I feel like this, so I am going to go into the garden for a short while.”
“I can see you are upset about this. I don’t think I am seeing this the same way you do, and so my opinion differs.”
“What’s most important to me is that I keep you safe and that you know I love you. I am not sure how to do that right now. I will continue to think about this, but if you have any ideas, please let me know.”
How do we do this, and why does it matter?
The thought of saying what you are thinking may terrify you - “I don’t want my child knowing what I really think!”
I tend to believe that the more honest we can be, the better. Eating disorders thrive on deceit, so modelling different behaviour is helpful.
Slow and calm: The key is to slow down and stay calm…what am I thinking here? Say it slowly and give yourself permission to change what you are saying (our thoughts do that in our brains frequently).
State what you are doing: Say that you are thinking out loud. This tells the other person that your thoughts may not be fully formed and that you are sharing your experience in this moment.
Personal clarity: Slowing down both our thinking and our speaking is always helpful. It gets us closer to our own truth. Importantly, in this case, it also demonstrates to our young person what goes on in our heads.
Demonstrating: Most of us are oblivious to what goes on in other people’s heads, and verbalising it helps our child to recognise the process more clearly.
Responding: Because we have to slow down to think out loud, we also move from reaction into responding.
Communicating with our children can feel like a minefield. I spend a lot of time discussing this with the parents I work with. If you get lost, hurt or upset, my invitation is always to drop down into your heart. When your thoughts are whirling, and you don’t know what to say, notice what your heart is feeling and saying to you.
I believe, when you come from your heart, you can’t go too far wrong. Your child may not hear you or be able to understand right now, but you will know that you are being who you need to be.
If you want a hand with anything I discuss in my letters, then book a chat with me on the link below.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: