Shhh…Listen
Hello Awesome Human,
I bang on about listening a lot! It is at the heart of what I do. I listen to people, yet even though I do it daily, I still find it hard. As with many things, I find it hardest with the people closest to me. My experience is that very many people find it hard to listen.
One of my favourite Stephen Covey quotes is: “I just don’t understand my son. He never listens to me…”
The only way we understand anyone is by listening to them, but who in this quote isn’t listening?
When we listen to someone and want to help, it is easy to believe we need to do something. Assuming we must provide some kind of practical intervention or, at the very least, some gem of advice or wisdom. Magic can happen when we remove the need to do anything with what we hear.
In a recent workshop, I put the participants in breakout rooms with strict instructions that they take turns to listen to one another. At no point did they need to say anything in response to the person they were hearing. They didn’t need to give their thoughts, advice, or opinions. One of the participants described it as a light bulb moment. She said it was so freeing not to have to solve anything or give advice. It completely changed her experience of listening.
It is so easy for me to assume that what my kids need is for me to tell them what to do. As an adult, I can presume I know better, but I don’t know their experience or what growing up in their shoes is like. If I think my opinion is more important than theirs, I miss out on a huge amount of understanding and connection.
Sometimes, listening is hard because we are programmed to create connections with other people. We listen to what they say until we get a ‘me too’ moment. At the point we hear that they have had an experience that we have had or they feel the way we do about something or perhaps even strongly disagree with them, we stop listening. We stop listening and wait for them to draw breath so we can interrupt them to tell them about our experience. The classic is telling someone about a place that they have just been on holiday to that you went to 20 years ago. The desire to connect with someone can railroad our ability to hear and understand what they are saying.
Another listening trap is preconceived listening. We come to a conversation ‘knowing’ what the other person is like or what they will say. We have already decided what they want to tell us or think we know their opinion. When we come with these preconceived ideas, it is very hard to hear what is actually being said. It is hard to understand another person when we are already blinkered to who they are.
My best friend and I coined the phrase' Listening without commentary' during our work at Fresh Air Fridays. This phrase means to listen and understand, to listen with our full attention without comment, judgment, or "fixing."
Listening without commentary takes practice, but the connection and understanding that result can be profound. When we understand one another, our perceptions change. However many books you may have read on eating disorders, understanding how your own child feels not only creates a connection but will also open up ways for you to better support them.
Don’t think listening to someone means agreeing with them. I do notice, though, that the better I understand someone, the easier it is to find common ground. The other important point is that until someone feels heard, it is hard for them to listen, so if you have something you want to share, your message will be received better if the recipient first shares their thoughts and feelings.
Listening, or the lack of it, is a skill worth bringing to your awareness. As always, be kind to yourself; you have a lot on your plate. Perhaps the art of listening can encourage you to put down the need to do anything and open the opportunity to be still. If you would like a hand practising any of the skills I share with you, talk to me about The Recovery Cwtch and how it helps parents navigate their child’s eating disorder with more ease and calm.
Sending so much love,
Ruth xxx