Reassurance isn't harmless...
Hello, Awesome Human,
When I was little, my favourite toy was Humpty Dumpty. Humpty went everywhere with me. My thumb and my Humpty were my soother and my comforter. One holiday, we drove to North Wales only to discover that Humpty was still 3 hours away at home. After the initial histrionics and what I can only imagine was a stressful tour round the shops of Camarthan, a substitute teddy was purchased.
Given that I was about three at the time, I don’t remember the specific details. I imagine that night bedtime may have been a little less settled than usual, but the photos of the ensuing holiday show me very happy and pleased with myself, carting around teddy rather than Humpty.
All of us have crutches and things that help us regulate. In an eating disorder, someone often finds a need for constant soothing. For many, this will be asking things such as ‘Am I fat?’ ‘Did I eat too much?’ As parents, it seems the simplest thing in the world to give that soothing ‘No, of course not.’ In the moment that soothing will bring down our child’s anxiety, but very temporarily and before long they will be asking the same question often with ever-increasing anxiety. This can be a very wearing cycle. We can never give enough reassurance to satisfy them, and in the long term, it is likely to increase rather than decrease anxiety. This cycle is known as the reassurance trap.
So how can we escape the reassurance trap?
Notice you are doing it - as always, we can’t make any changes unless we notice what is happening. What do you find yourself having to repeat on a near-daily basis? What are the most exhausting things you find yourself saying? Where are you walking on eggshells?
Decide on one thing you want to change. I always encourage parents to pick one thing at a time to focus on, as there is no need to add to our burden.
Plan what you are going to say: ‘I have learnt it is not helpful to constantly reassure you.’ ‘That sounds like your eating disorder talking, and I am not going to engage with it.’ ‘You know the answer to that, as I told you yesterday.’ ‘I can see you are anxious, and I know that you can get through this moment without my reassurance.’
Give it a go
What is likely to happen?
When we don’t give reassurance in the moment, things are likely to get worse. I am certain that the discovery of no Humpty will have caused a complete meltdown for my three-year-old self. What we all discovered, though, was that life could actually go on without him, and I could even enjoy myself. The same is true for our young person with an eating disorder; if we don’t reassure in the way we have been doing, the likelihood is they will not be happy and, in that moment, get angrier or more anxious. However, they will find that after the initial upset, they survived and over a period of time, their anxiety will begin to reduce as they begin to appreciate that they have the skills to cope.
Keep it real
I get that, though exhausting, reassurance can seem harmless. There will be times when you and your child feel so distressed that you will say what you need to say to get by. We have to keep it real. In the early days, you might choose to reassure, because that is the only way you feel you can all survive. With our daughter, I kept this reassurance up for years, and it really didn’t do her any favours. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I now believe it served to keep her eating disorder stronger for longer.
As you start making your way in recovery, or as Jenny Langley likes to call it, discovery, your young person will benefit from you believing in their abilities to regulate themselves. You may start with a halfway house saying, ‘Listen carefully, because I am only going to reassure you once today.’ But eventually, you want to wean your child off needing this external reassurance.
The reassurance trap is just one of the many things I help parents navigate, whether they work with me individually or in a group. Often, parents have learnt quite a lot about eating disorders, but the challenge is putting that knowledge into action for their child. If you are feeling stuck or confused wherever you are on this journey, then book a call on the link below and let’s chat.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. Please message me to be added to the wait list.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: