How did I get here?!
Hello Awesome Human,
This morning, completely out of the blue, I was bickering with my husband. He said something, I reacted, and before you know it, we were having a battle of words. I was quite upset by it, and it took me a little while to work out what had just happened.
Perhaps you see something similar in your interactions, maybe with your partner, but almost certainly with your poorly child. You think you are doing alright, and then they say or do something unexpected. This happened to me so frequently when our daughter was ill. When this happens, emotions can run high on both sides, with responses ranging from shouting and crying to slamming doors to stonewalling.
This emotional roller coaster is exhausting. How do we navigate it?
Let’s look at some examples:
Sarah and Tim
Last night, Sarah told her son Tim that he wasn’t well enough to go with his friends to see a football match he had been looking forward to for ages. As she told him, she saw the light go out of his eyes. He was clearly devastated, and she felt awful as though she was the one hurting him.
This morning, Tim refused to get out of bed, ‘What was the point?!’ Sarah sat with Tim for some time. In the moments he wasn’t curled up under the covers, refusing to speak, he was telling her that there was no point even trying, there was nothing good to look forward to, and he might as well just give up.
Sarah tried to soothe him, telling him he would get better and that there would be plenty more matches in the future. Quietly, she was scared that he had lost all hope, that she had made matters worse, and that his low mood meant he wouldn’t eat anything today. She leaves the interaction heartbroken for her son and fearful that it will be a massive step backwards.
Michael and Jackie
Michael is supervising his daughter, Jackie, as she has her tea. Jackie’s younger brother runs into the kitchen, not realising she is in there. Jackie screams at him to ‘Get out!’ Michael reacts and tells Jackie not to speak to her brother that way. Jackie retaliates by throwing her yoghurt tub across the kitchen, shouting at her Dad and storming off to her bedroom.
Michael puts his head in his hands and wonders how long this will go on. He is not sure if he can take much more of this.
There are a hundred other scenarios where, as a parent, you are doing your best, doing a reasonable job of coping, and then something comes out of nowhere, and before you know it, you are feeling dreadful, like it is your fault, and you don’t know what to do.
Bring compassion
Don’t try to explore any solutions without being kind to yourself. It is normal to react in challenging circumstances when you are already stretched and exhausted. There are times when we have no capacity to do anything other than react. Getting cross with ourselves or blaming ourselves doesn’t help at all.
When you have some space, there are a few questions worth asking:
What happened? Where am I? What do I need? Who do I want to be?
Sarah and Tim
What happened?
Sarah stated the fact that Tim wasn’t well enough to go out.
Tim had a strong reaction.
Where am I?
Sarah Sarah notcied she was feeling heartbroken and really sad for Tim.
She noticed she was telling herself that it was her fault.
She realised she was afraid this would set Tim back.
She realised that she had joined Tim in his misery.
What do I need?
Sarah realised she needed to tell herself it wasn’t her fault.
She needs to remember that this is one moment, this is Tim’s illness, and this too shall pass.
She needs some fresh air and a walk around the block.
Who do I want to be?
Sarah wants to be the person who believes 100% in Tim’s recovery.
She wants to be loving, empathetic and positive.
Michael and Jackie
What happened?
Jackie’s kid brother came into the kitchen when Jackie was eating.
Jackie was upset and reacted strongly.
Michael reacted to Jackie.
Where am I?
Michael noticed he was telling himself he was really bad at helping Jackie.
He noticed he felt like a failure.
He felt bad about everything at the moment, at work and at home.
He noticed he was feeling exhausted.
He noticed that he felt really isolated.
What do I need?
Michael realised he needed to remember this is a really hard place to be, and he wasn’t failing.
He realised he needed a longer break between coming home from work and supervising tea.
He realised he needed to pick up the phone to his best friend and talk about something unrelated to eating disorders.
He needed a hug from his wife.
He felt he needed to apologise to Jackie for losing his temper when she was upset.
Who do I want to be?
Michael decided that he wanted to be calm, empathetic and clear.
We need to explore ‘Where am I?’ and ‘What do I need?’ before we leap to ‘How do I want to be?’ Without understanding the stories we tell ourselves or the pain we feel, we can’t do anything to resolve them. Just saying I will be different next time will be harder if we don’t look at what got in the way this time.
A couple of weeks ago a wrote about ‘Who do I want to be?’ You can read it here.
Remember, your child is unwell; it is normal for them to feel unhappy and uncomfortable. We can empathise completely, but it doesn’t help them if we jump into their hole. We need to find what we need to stay out of the hole. If you find yourself being pulled in, book a call with me on the link below.
Sending so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder. Book a call to find out more
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: