Helping someone is easier when we accept them first
Hello Awesome Human,
I was with a friend recently, and we stumbled upon a topic in which I thought her views were outrageous. I couldn’t have disagreed with her more. I felt her views were disrespectful, unhelpful and potentially damaging. The old me would have pitched in and battled her. I would have wondered what it meant for our friendship, and I would have spent much time telling myself she shouldn’t think and feel that way.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a moment of judgment and then decided I wouldn’t let myself suffer. I am grateful that when she shared her views with me, there wasn’t time to retaliate. She obviously felt so strongly that my arguing with her would simply reinforce her views and change nothing. I would prefer it if she didn’t hold those views, but fighting her wouldn’t change them. In precisely the same way as battling our child’s view of their eating disorder(ED), weight or what they need to eat reinforces the ED rather than changing their mind.
My thinking she shouldn’t be that way simply creates suffering for me. She holds those views very firmly, irrespective of my desires. My feeling that she shouldn’t think that just reinforces any upset I might feel. It is helpful for me to stop creating stories in my head about what it all means. For example, “She shouldn’t think that”, “she must be a bad person if she thinks that”, “I can’t be her friend if that is what she is like”. All that has happened is that she holds a belief I disagree with.
While I chant all the things I don’t want, I feel miserable. I have much more choice by standing back and disentangling myself from the drama. At some point, I may share some evidence of my beliefs but not to persuade her simply to show her an alternative position. I know that if I push, she will simply push back, and we will both get more entrenched in our positions.
This is all relevant to how we behave with our loved ones and their point of view around an eating disorder. I don’t need to make my friend terrible and wrong. When I can see her with love, we have way more opportunities to consider alternative perspectives. Arguing with reality helps no one. Judging my friend definitely doesn’t help me. By accepting the situation, I can bring love, freedom and curiosity. From that perspective, we can create connections and support the people we care for. Helping someone is easier when we accept them first. In the moments we don’t, we will fight a losing battle.
Perhaps you disagree with me; maybe this feels hard. I work with parents to help them work out the best way to tackle the challenges they have with their own child in their family. It is personal, and I respect that you know your family better than anyone else. If you need a hand to navigate everything happening more easily, book a findout call with me.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
I relate to this so much. As a mother who has had two children with anorexia and has given up diets, I find I am often "on the other side" of many conversations in our thin-obsessed society. I have a friend who is a diet coach, and it's been tricky navigating that since I disagree with so much of what she stands for, but she is otherwise a lovely person, and she believes she is doing good.
It's important to remember that most of the people we disagree with are just coming at it from a different perspective—they aren't intending to cause harm. It also helps for me to remember that I caused plenty of harm before I knew better and even now still unintentionally.