Fact or experience?
Hello Awesome Human,
One of the most frustrating things about an eating disorder is the lack of logic that seems present.
Fact is a slippery thing. In any one situation, what each of us saw may be entirely different.
This may be based on our physical position, what we were doing at the time, and our beliefs, which then inform our interpretations.
The facts are more elusive than the interpretations. The man may have been hit by a car, but whether he stepped out deliberately or whether the driver wasn’t paying attention is all up for debate.
Why does this matter?
When we treat everything as a fact, communication becomes much harder.
One of my lasting memories of when our daughter was unwell was on a dreadful holiday with my in-laws. My father-in-law lost his temper and shouted, ‘Why doesn’t she just eat!’ An incident that had a lasting impact on their relationship.
This outrage came not only from a lack of understanding, but also from assumptions about facts. My father-in-law was treating the situation as logical and factual, but he was actually speaking from the frustration of his experience.
Facts
When we assume things are facts, it is easy to fall into black-and-white thinking. Someone or something is right, and someone or something is wrong.
This positioning makes connection, curiosity and compromise much harder. No one wants to be wrong, and implying they are will end up with them in fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
Beliefs and experiences
There are no facts in the statements below; they are all expressions of beliefs or experiences:
All they need to do is put on weight.
We can’t upset Grandma.
They don’t understand.
No one on the ward cares about our child.
I am too full.
I have eaten too much.
I am so frustrated.
They don’t listen to me.
When we understand all these statements as someone’s belief or experience, we have much more freedom in our responses. If our child says they have eaten too much, if we treat it as a fact, we are likely to rebuff them and say, “No, you haven’t.” If, on the other hand, we recognise it as their experience, we can acknowledge them by saying, “ I am sorry you feel that way.”
Perhaps we are cross or frustrated with our child’s treatment team. We might be tempted to treat the idea that they don’t know how to deal with our child as a fact. However, if we look more closely at our experience, we gain helpful information. Perhaps you noticed you were frustrated when no one explained the procedure yesterday. Sharing this information is much more likely to elicit a useful explanation from their team.
● When we share our experience with someone, we can’t be wrong.
● When we hear what our young person says as a description of their beliefs or their experience, we can empathise with their situation whilst not sharing the same beliefs.
Some useful questions
What am I feeling?
If, in any situation, we ask ourselves what we are feeling, it prevents us from believing that what we are witnessing is fact-based.
What am I making it mean?
When we notice our experience asking ‘what am I making this mean?’, it can often alert us to beliefs we hold or stories we are creating about a situation.
Useful phrases
When we communicate, communicate from our own experience:
‘I feel…’
‘My truth is x,y,z.’
‘My perspective is…’
If you want to be effective in your communication, connection is key. By understanding things as I have described here, you will create space for curiosity that promotes connection. If you would like support with this or anything I write about, book a free call using the link below.
Sending you so much love,
Ruth xxx
You can work with me in several ways:
One-to-one, either online or face-to-face (near Cardiff, UK)
The Recovery Cwtch is a weekly online support group for parents who have a child with an eating disorder.
I run The New Maudsley Skills-Based Training: Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder. Please message me to find out when the next one is.
Would you like more awareness of eating disorders in a school or your workplace in the UK? Please get in touch with me to discuss how I can assist you.
Would you like your school, university, or youth club to run an eating disorder prevention programme (The Body Project) for its young people? If so, please get in touch.
To discuss any of the above, book a free find-out call with me: